Resolutions

So it's a new year. That's usually something that fills me with dread or at the best apathy. This year feels different though. This is the first year I've had clear resolutions that I'm actually excited about. Those are read more, write more, and be more confident. For the first two, I moved my computer across the room to my desk instead of taking it to bed with me. So when I'm looking for something to unwind with before I fall asleep, I'll have to pick up a book. Which I will keep by my bedside. To help with writing I've started this blog and my goal is to write something in it everyday (or write something elsewhere). I've decided my blog will be about knitting, a vegetarian diet, feminism, and sometimes my day to day life. Sometimes it will be funny, entertaining stories. Sometimes rants, sometimes anecdotes, but always related to my life and what's important for me. I'm blogging for myself, as a journal, and for anyone who would happen to want to read it. While part of me hopes to become a smash cult phenomenon it's more important to me to just have something here than to gain a readership.

My last goal is the hardest resolution I've come up with. I resolved to quit eating red meat 5 years ago and I never looked back. 3 years ago, I quit eating meat altogether and never thought twice about it. But confidence has been a life long struggle. I've spent twenty three years putting myself down and feeling down and out about what other people have that I don't (usually a social life and a relationship). But last night, I decided to not be that person any more. I've heard people say again and again that men are attracted to confidence. I never knew if I believed that. But last night I waked into a club downtown like I owned it. I kept my head up and made eye contact with men who looked my way. I smiled. I danced. I had a great time. Last time I went to the very same place I looked around me and I thought that all of the girls there were prettier than me. I was held back by this fear that my ex dumped me because I wasn't pretty enough or wasn't somehow good enough for him. When in reality, he was dealing with his own issues and it probably had nothing to do with me. I found myself nearly in tears for a good part of the night. But last night, I felt like I was one of those girls. I looked over at girls dancing with boys and laughed as we all danced like idiots. It was a wonderful experience feeling like I deserved and had a right to be there as much as anyone else. And yes, I danced with men but it didn't really matter. I was just there to dance, have fun, and feel amazing and I did.

In the movie Black Swan, Natalie Portman's character discovers that the only thing that has been holding her back from playing the seductress role (that was so unlike her personality) was herself. I felt a powerful connection with this revelation that she makes. That's always been my trauma in life. I always had so much potential, so much to offer, and so much going for me; but I always insisted on bringing myself down. I found an instant message exchange between my ex and I and I was shocked at how negative, self loathing, and histrionic I was about small situations that resolved themselves so easily later. I felt a sense of shame and embarrassment as I saw myself through their eyes. They were unable to ultimately see all of my redeeming and wonderful qualities because I failed to. If I would have realized this sooner, I could have probably saved those relationships. But relationships fail so both partners can learn a lesson about themselves and it took a few relationships for me to see my most major flaw. If anyone reads this and they know me in real life, they'll most likely be saying "I told you so" but so many things have to be discovered on your own for you to really believe them. I'm not promising perfection or to never get down on myself again. Old habits die hard. But I'm promising to always remember what it feels like to shed all of that doubt and to feel powerful. What it feels like to grow wings.